The Grasshopper Ate My Burrito Bowl…

I haven't been completely honest with all of you.  This is partially because I needed to stay private for a while and also because I was scared.  You see, for the past 16 months, I've been rolling with issues surrounding my breast health.  

I have a family history of breast cancer along with risk factors myself. And in August of 2021, while finding a large breast mass during a shower, I thought life was going to change drastically and I was petrified.  

I spent the next year fighting for tests, receiving bullshit comments from people who said "my breasts are lumpy and I don't have cancer - you'll be fine!"  Finally, this summer, after so many tests, I was cleared.  I do, indeed have some lumps, but they are related to perimenopause and I was ready to put them behind me. 

However, after a routine follow up last week revealed a new set of masses, I was right back on the roller coaster of what-ifs.  As a friend said "it's like a million tiny heart attacks every day."  You try to stay grounded, but the what-ifs are paralyzing and for as much as we love to "think pink" the spaces to have scary conversations are not always open to the public, y'know? 

Yesterday, I went back for a barage of tests and got another clearance. () Between this situation and our family member in hospital (who is doing slightly better - keep your prayers coming!!!) my nerves were shot. So, when I went to take the dog for a wash last night, I thought "We all deserve Chipotle!" and thus a plan for dinner was born.  

Now, if you know me, you know that ordering food for others- especially with meat in it - is a point of anxiety for me.  I just don't know how it's done. I've never eaten red meat and I don't understand the flavor profile so that plus the nerves left me quivering with uncertainty in the order line.  I screwed it up twice and then we finally got the order right.  As I paid, I could feel the hot tears spring up from all of the stress as well as the fact that the people working there were just not that kind. 

I had a good cry in the car, got home, opened up my veggie bowl and right there in the center was Jiminy Cricket , or Jiminy Grasshopper... alive and covered in sour cream - I know - gross.  I screamed and knew I was done for the night.  I did try to get a refund but they were so unhelpful and I just needed to stop the day. 

Later, I got hungry and as I lay there eating 1/2 of a "safe gluten free bagel," I remembered a golden grasshopper that used to live on our fireplace in my childhood home. It was there for luck.... Hmmmmm, is there any possibility that this had been a sign? And not only a sign not to eat at Chipotle again, but a grasshopper on a full moon must mean something? 

I looked it up. Grasshoppers are indeed a sign of luck, hope and forward movement.  They can't go back.  And I guess, neither can I.  I can't change the fear or frustration I've been through over the past year and I can't know whether or not I'll be in the Drs office again for this issue.  But I can keep moving forward, one step at a time. 

I've chosen to forego the refund and accept the omen. Today, we move forward in the name of health - both mental and physical - one step at a time. 

I'll be back in action next week with new classes on JZ Studio, the start of the Pilates Comprehensive Program and no burrito bowls .

If this story was meaningful to you, please reply - your responses honestly help me to keep moving forward! 

Much Love, 
Jenna